my frustrations

I have been helping out in The Musical's auditioning throughout the weeks and I am amazed and still amazed till now that every and any kind of people exists. Unlike them, I have no wish or desire to glow, let alone shine. I am definitely not that kind of guy who would take the center stage and plays the main lead; Neither am I a person who likes telling people my sorrows and pain.

I like crying in the dark; not because I am in depression (maybe slightly because of low self-esteem) but because I feel more comfortable when I crying. Recently, 2 persons told me these "damien, there were times where you could shine." and started thrash talking me into confessing my troubles. They don't realize it; it made me more vexed and frustrated. To make my easy way out; I said I don't have emotions. But the awful truth is that my medication is causing me to lose my control of my calmness and everything else that is above my neck.

My heart races every moment as though it is popping out. I perspires rapidly even in air-condition. I tremble when I talk; I have to check my body weight everyday in fear of water retention. I suffered from mild panic attacks and occasionally have blurred vision. I have a bloated face due to side effects of my medication. I have so many other conditions which I am so embarrassed by and I can never bring myself to talk about them. I live everyday in fear that I would suffer another relapse and the implications carried by it. I don't need any sympathy or understanding; I need more scoldings and disciplinary enforcement to help me with my work.

I am not a thick skinned guy who could live through everything. On the contrary, I am affected by everything said about me in front of me. Please don't have the misconceptions that I am a sporty guy and could live through all insults and humiliation (even though you guys don't mean it); the only reason I keep mum about it is because of the image I gave others since poly days is a sporty and rough guy who plays pranks and could probably live through another 3 world wars. The truth is that I am an extreme introvert like my elder sister and are ultra-sensitive to our environment's behavior and actions.

After reading these, please don't come to me with a sympathetic face and tell me that you understand my condition and wished to help me; that would probably turned me off.

Are we that unpopular?

In view of the efforts put in containing the spread of swine flu; I sincerely give my utmost respect to all medical officers, be it nurses, doctors or administrative staff. I believe everything that could be done is done; but here comes the real deal. Being such a deadly and contagious flu; it could be logical to say that areas around the most affected regions like Latin America should be the first to get it. The spreading of this viruses would then be done through tourists and people traveling around.

For years; our country is proud to be one of the most developed countries; and more than 20% (rough estimate)of our GDP dependent on tourism industries itself (much more if include the multiplier effect along with tourism related industries). We hold a lot of MICE meetings and is used geographically as headquarters for many businesses around the region. If theoretically we have so many traffic; why aren't we hit with swine flu yet?

Does Mexicans know we exists? I am not asking them to send some one affected over here; and I am praying we would never have to deal with swine flu, but I am thinking that this is a good time for ST B to start working. In a positive light, our M OH could be doing a good job; in a negative light, we need more energy in boosting our tourism and global status. But then, maybe, just maybe, we are just lucky :)