new year resolution: more cold blooded and clear headed.

I have been an emotional guy all this while and finally matured to somewhat somewhere less emotional. But this is not enough, I need to slowly hardened this emotions for interrupting my work. Throughout history, negative emotions like arrogance, hatred and frustration caused great people to fall. I just realized it actually takes a lot of bloody effort to just say you don't care. Guess my blood is still kinda warm :P

I have been a fool who is always unaware of the things going around me. I am always fooled into turning round and round by people; although sometimes intentionally but somehow one way or another I am gradually becoming a real fool. I still need to learn when to talk and when to "appear" and when to say the right things at the right time.

Things I learn from driving.

This is a picture I took in Taiwan, Taipei. It is a picture of their guard of honor, along with Joseph and me. It has nothing to do with my topic; but it is a picture I wish to share.

My driving instructor is also a mentor on life. To him, life is probably a high way, not an expressway. There may be times you need to slow down; but that doesn't mean its time for you to off the engine. Slowing down in life doesn't mean turning off your engine and die. It just requires you to take a tempo on different things.


You may have overshot the right turn, but its okay; a detour will still get back on the road. We always blame ourselves when things go wrong; but we do not realize the amount of effort taken to self-blame is just another waste of time. It is important to do self-reflection once in a while; but not all the time. We should always spend the time looking for another route to detour to get back on track instead of blaming your own retard reaction.


Even when you come to a complete stop or rest, you still mustn't keep your eyes off the road or your hands off the steering wheel. Resting is a must for everyone; even for the best driver. Resting is a break for some one who is about to start another journey or continue his journey; not as though as your car is going for overhauling. Even when resting; you must always fix your eyes at your destination and on the road.


Grabbing the steering wheel too hard will only cause the car to wobble; a certain amount of lax must be given to the steering wheel. Its the same for relationships; a certain amount of space is needed for everyone. Be it the steering wheel or your partner, space is needed not for free wheeling, but for smooth journey.


Always do one thing at a time. Lets face it, only one in a Billion of us are Initial D drivers; the rest of us are better off as normal drivers. It is better for us to concentrate on one action at a time to avoid ending up in a confused state or worst; the engine resting on you. :)

There is a time to accelerate and a time to slow down. What gear to use when going into this turn and what speed to slow down to when going into the turn. Judgment on this issues are of vital importance. We must learn when to accelerate, brake or slow down. Achieving a constant speed is the ideal for safe driving, but that would probably be too boring.


On the road, slow down when others slow down. Accelerate when others accelerate. Give way when others speed; get a note book ready in case of accidents (lol). We need to accommodate and tolerate one another on the road in order to reach our destination safely. Being considerate, accommodating to others doesn't mean we must tolerate all of their nonsense. This again is another issue of judgment.

My question to you, is "Are you a good driver?" I am learning to be one though.

A Joke with the Driving Instructor

I don't know if this is gonna spark any rumors but this is simply too funny to be known only to me. I started learning driving today from Jean's uncle (Father's elder brother). Forget about ice-breaking and stuff like that, he drove me to stadium link and started learning from there.

So, he taught me the left and right turns, acceleration and brakes and stuff like that. Then he started asking ,"so, one of your friends learn from my brother?"

"er, actually Jean is my poly school mate."

"oh oh, she is my niece you know?? Okay, let go of the accelerator bit by bit, get ready to change gear, press the break a bit to around half, ar...correct....so Jean is your girlfriend?"

(got shocked, I ZHAM the break) "NO LAR!"

*STUNNED* He showed me that one in a million stunned face then slowly says, "Oh ok ok, don't do that again. Now we try again. go back to square one, press the clutch and press the accelerator and slowly let go of the clutch."

He continued telling me this ,"I used to teach one of my niece friends. I remember he is her boyfriend or something, his name is Zi something de. I think from a certain university. ok, stop here. Pull up the hand brake. wait ar.... I search (went through his books, AR! His name is Zi Bing!"

"orh......that guy still in army la uncle."

"Aiya, as long she happy can le"

This really made me laugh all the way home.

Cultivate Friendship

I just happened to be in another depression when I came across this book in the library. I came across this book which really happens to drop on my legs while I was taking out another book in the bookshelf (language sector). I don't know why the book is there but its title is "100 simple secrets of happy people", oh geesh, don't start laughing behind your screens. I really think it was fate this book when this book shouldn't belong in the language sector with it dropping on my leg. So I started reading, to be honest it wasn't a self-help book at all; to put it in more conveniently, I think it is a compilation of psychology research data. I come across this page which says ,"cultivate friendship".

here goes:

Close relationships, more than personal satifaction or one's view of the world as a whole, are the most meaningful factors in happiness. I f you feel close to other people, you are four times as likely to feel good about yourself than if you do not feel close to anyone. (Magen, Birenbaum, and Perry 1996)

(HuiPing, its not what you think, but this is for you)Happy people do not experience one success after another and unhappy people , one failure after another. Instead, surveys show that happy and unhappy people tend to have had very similar life experiences. The difference is that the average unhappy person spends more than twice as much time thinking about unpleasant events in their lives, while happy people tend to seek and rely upon information that brightens their personal out-look. (Lyubomirsky 1994)

I don't really remember most of the happy things I have been through but it says here that both kinds of people do things that create and reinforce their moods. What comes around, goes around. be happy.

being left out

It sucks when you are being left out. :( It really does. Especially when you don't have any other friends in this area. I keep harping on it because it brings back some really bad memories.I really thought you guys would at least ask. It really destroyed my day. the funny part is you guys are ACTUALLY asking me to dinner to discuss about YOUR TRIP? Perhaps I sound like a little baby whining for attention but, I really have enough of being left out since union days. Hui Ping, I am sorry, I really can't wait for the day these guys surprise me. But I have learn well that I should never have pinned hope on having any friend. I am probably naive. LOL. too naive. people, save your comments.

I no longer need any critics; I am my own.

Words

On Sunday morning, I was asking my sis to spare me 20 bucks as I am lazy to route to the other side of the neighborhood to draw out cash. Then came the sentence then left me smiling for the whole morning," Brother, I will get you a sub-card soon." That really left me smiling to myself while she made her way out of the house.

Then she left the house to join my parents and Lil Sister for Sunday breakfast. Then my dad suddenly came up to use the latrine. After he used the latrine, we went down to the car park together and I begged him to give me a lift. The came another sentence that left me motivated till now ,"son, the location you are heading is not along the way. I will get a weekend car once you get your license." I was so happy and started walking off to the bus stop despite knowing I was late.

Here comes the joke, I think my elder sister and father are great with using words and distracting me from my request but leaving me a happy guy for the whole day. Somehow I have yet to learn the tricks of neutralizing their words and yet to master their level 100 "distraction" skill.

My joy of Christmas

After much debate, planning, meeting, resource management, information gathering and location analysis; my family has finally decided to go on a 4-5 day tour in Malaysia. Therefore, my Christmas plan is not to have any plan at all!!!

First of all, nice to meet you all, My name is wen han (trying to re-intro myself). If possible, please call me by my Chinese name from now on. thanks. I was thinking the other day after a delightful interrogation period with the old birds that maybe I should change this blog's name to "thoushallnotTALK.blogspot.com"

Christmas has always been a season of giving and cherishing for me. After watching the Last Lecture and Vice-presidential debate between Biden and Palin over and over again; I have attain some miraculous enlightenment.

I have always been a sadistic, perverse and pessimistic person. From now on, I will change. My new year resolution is to be a brighter and happier man. And guys, trust me; I am not desperate or any where along that line in your imagination.

Steamboat for my Birthday

I have finally reached 21. Throughout the past 2 days, I have been receiving greetings from friends I have not seen for ages. It really makes me feel blessed and contented from these greetings alone. I dare not ask for any gifts as I don't feel I deserve any of them but I still received some gifts from YEC, Union gang and my siblings.

I am really grateful to be born into this family especially my mother who has utmost tolerance with my noisy gang and my elder sister whom I guessed did the sponsoring. And perhaps my neighbours who did nothing even though we were slaughtering chickens in my room. I believe most of us are suffering from the post-wii syndrome which leaves the hands sore and shaky along with doing wii-like actions while we are asleep. I am proud of my home and I sincerely thank those who makes an effort to at least compliment the layout of my home; firstly because its my dad's greatest creation other than the 3 of us. And secondly, I learned some where in the arts of Rome where they treat their home as their first and last line of defense. That shows how much pride they take in building their homes.

Hey Grace (union de) thanks for the chocolate! Thanks for coming down too! Sorry for letting you feel out of place :(
My batch guys Jean, Eddie and Candice are great people who has been tolerating me. But I was still expecting some gifts from them(LOL) despite saying shamelessly that their attendance is good enough. They did redeem themselves by promising me a buffet. For their convenience, I have planned the following dinner cuisine for each of the following:

Eddie--> Dinner at chomp chomp would be good enough (we are still NSFs)

Jean --> How about a lunch at Machae?

Candice --> Candle light dinner anywhere would be fine :) preferably a date (^_^)

Thank you Jean, I was really looking forward to receiving your hand made card. I am a believer in karma and for some time I was thinking if the light bulbs, condoms, coin banks and other rubbish I have stock you guys with would flow back to me. I am really grateful that you guys did not bring these stuff to my house or else my mother and sister would probably be very worried.

Hey, Chi Ho!!! Thanks for your chocolate and unlocking of all my games. LOL. You have been a great senior. Will visit you at Sheng song some other time.

My YEC peers (Lina, Chak, Chritine, Des, WW and Terence): Thanks for coming down. I have decrypt the hidden message of having the watch as a gift. However. . . . as the surface is too beautiful, I think I might not wear it so soon. I am still a cheap bastard afterall. Something this expensive is too luxurious for me. So, try getting me Rolex or Raymond Well next time. :)

my birthday -> a day to reflect

It has been a kinda short year for me as I was resting for around 10 months or so. Its been quite a challenge whenever I meet my batch boys be it officers or BMT platoon mates. Deep down in me, there has always been this sense of jealousy and envy towards them as they are able to make it through OCS whereas I am still marching on the spot. Many of them couldn't recognized me on first glance; I am sure that my looks didn't really change that much or perhaps I am not longer the proud and courageous damien guy any more.

Even among my poly friends, I felt that I have not improved or matured into someone I expect myself to. Not just me, even my officer and friends have expect something more out of me. I have been wasting time (10&1/2 months to be exact)whereas everyone else is evolving. I really feel like a caterpillar who has turn into a cocoon and stayed there. I have been trying to overcome this mindset of mine and reassuring myself not to worry and I would excel some day. However, this only gave me greater pain because I have yet to achieve what I have set out to achieve.

I don't need any sympathy but all these years, I have never achieve anything that is worth calling an achievement. Being 21 years of age and accomplishing as good as nothing isn't really worth any celebration. It is important for me to achieve something by my birthday each year so that I can tell myself that I am not a living corpse and have done something decent to match my name.

However all is not lost. I have tried many ways to throw away my obsolete pride and arrogance; but throughout the process, I realized the more I want to dispose it, the more I actually resist it. Thus, it is better to let it slowly decompose itself then to destroy it. Pride is something really temporary for a business student; it obstructs the way of learning and acceptance. I hope to be a humble and hardworking wenhan by the end of my NS.

Hope for Change/ Yes, we can.

yup, okay, I admit I am an Obama and Biden fan. I like Obama's mentality and Biden's stability when facing challenges. Obama started out quite shabbily and shaky while having scripts in hand and finally matured into a fully charismatic leader who is able to inspire simply through his speeches. (Btw, I do agree on his econimic take on taxing the richest to drive the middle class)

But lets face it, the real challenge just started. With 2 wars on its front, a crumbling economy and a weakening dollar, Obama's government is gonna be in for some trouble. In addition, he entered the office with too high an approval rating. So, maybe, if he has some powerful method of reviving maybe like Ma Ying Jiu (who did so perhaps easily by just mending ties with China), his (Obama's) aprroval rating would be sure to drop by perhaps a 10 point fall, maybe lesser.

Perhaps he could do what Bill did by just focusing on their economy and neglecting foreign affairs; but it would be deem impractical as the world isn't what it was in the 90s. Obama would need to mend ties with the its allies and revive the economy and ending the wars. He lives with not just high expectation of his own country but also throughout the world.

John Mccain's take on the economy sounds logical (taxing the middle class so that the richest are able to provide jobs), but lets face it; it has been there for CENTURIES and thats where it has lead America to, another economic crisis.

Palin is still not prepared to be the VP nominee as she lacks stabilty and logic in her debate against Joe Biden. She is however; good in one thing, attracting attention. She goes around the coutry like a rockstar. She makes a normal person (perhaps less potical sensitive people like housewives) feel important.

focus, endurance and persistence

I have always been complaining even though I managed to installed internal freedom to distract myself to stop complaining. I absorbed this very valuable lesson just very recently in my office.

Complaining only makes one circulate around the problem but not the solution. It saddens the human spirit as we all know that what has been thwarted cannot be undone. Which then leads to another theory; "things that you focus on, expands." People with strong minds focus on the solutions to problems, not the problem itself. Thus, it is never smart to convert your problems into complains and sadden your spirit. Keeping your focus on all your positive energy will bring you unexpected findings on how much achievement you can accomplished.

It is important however; to realize the worst case scenario for every possible challenge you are facing. Therefore, a balance is once again in the story; with one hand holding all the worst case scenarios, whereas the other maintaining a positive mindset neglecting all the complains.

I hope to be mentally strong enough to endure through whatever it takes to complete what I have set myself out to accomplished. As I have read from a book; a man once asked God,

"Have I completed the mission you gave me?"

God calmly says "no, not yet."

"why?!?!?!"

"Because you are still breathing."

Congrats to Christine and Desmond!!!!

I almost cried during Desmond and Christine's wedding on 2 occasions. The first was during the solemnization, Christine was crying and so was her father. I was kinda touched by what the Justice of Peace who solemnize them said. Another reason was this photo. I almost laugh till I cried. I swear to everyone reading this, that I did NOT edit this photo at all. It was quite obvious what this person was trying to do.

The wedding was fun with Wei Ming, Terrence Quah, Zhao Ming and De Wen as buddies, Terrence and Lina as MCs. In addition, I managed to help Chi Ho found his long lost brother (Lian Huat)and entertained my gang of friends over there. I did alot of lousy videoing probably due to inexperience. I promised I will be so much better at videoing the next time round.

It was a boring bachelor night for Desmond as we chat about everything under the sun before have an "Ops Order" from Desmond. All I could remember was Chak and Wei Ming playing online solitaire and the gang of brothers having very late supper and very early breakfast around 1am at Hougang point.

Something to be so proud of was that I managed to play a prank and scam Lina to speak into the mic with her thinking the mic was off. It was all good fun even though I was so much burnt out and drunk as compared to the previous wedding.

Arh~ So shagged.

When your bosses hates each other

This was one of my pictures during my cousin's wedding dinner with the theme ,"Shanghai Night." One of my cousins thought it was held at a chalet and came as a trishaw rider at ARANDA COUNTRY CLUB. The night was fun as most of us were drunk and everyone went crazy and started singing on stage. But this is not the main story.

I was transferred over to Changi for a few weeks now. I enjoyed the sea breeze, the sights of ships, the environment (outside the office). From my personal observation, there has been alot of on going internal politics in my office. I wouldn't say its problematic or sickening but it feels satanically fun. I have been experimenting my human skills to ensure that no one will harm me. The relationship goes this way; Boss A is directly over me but he hates boss B. Boss B has control over me as she is sitting very near me, boss B also hates Boss A & C. Boss C is the overall in charge but is hated by everyone. Boss D is quite inefficient and is hated by B, but Boss D also hates Boss C & A.

Sounds complicated huh? But this is the fun part when human relationships meet internal politics. When my bosses meet each other eye to eye and I just happen to be in the middle; I will set them onto a stage to fight and lay back to enjoy the show. It sounds evil, down-under and despicable; but I see no gain or returns from participating with them.

Its hard to get into everyone's good books when they typically wish the other doesn't exist.It is only safe to maneuver them to fight among themselves and gain whatever comes out the confusion before ending up as a tool in their civil war.

An archer, a target board and a boulder.

An archer is some one that shoots arrows. A target board is what it should be as it is. In almost all the games I play so far, I always have a liking for long-range attacking characters; I never had a mentality of what the opponent would feel facing a long range opponent. Neither have I ever thought of what would it feels like to hold the bow all the time.

Thanks to my current job, I gain the enlightenment of what it feels like to be a living target board. The arrows don't really hurt me, but I do feel some pricks of thrill and excitement. I have been waiting to try out a mentality that I have been formulating for months with no chance to use it. Its like a king's sword stuck in a wooden sheath.

I read that a strong man is stronger and bigger than his problems; whereas a poor man is weaker and smaller than his problems. If a person were to fall in front of a problem, he is deem weak and feeble. Lets say this level 3 guy met a level 5 problem; its undeniable he would die. But to put things in a different perspective, once he reach level 10, this level 5 problem is no longer a challenge. Therefore, once I have reach the mindset of a boulder,strong, hard and impenetrable no arrows would be able to hurt me.

But the irony is that I have to be a target board before becoming a boulder.

Is it wrong to judge a book by its cover?

During the early phase of my army days, I managed to leech something interesting from my platoon commanding officer. He dragged me into his office one day for a one on one counseling. This bastard probably have high hopes on me assuming that I was the only one he took 30 minutes to counsel. He told me about this particular platoon mate who has tattoos all over his body but is a good friend of mine. He told me this line that I will never forget," Woi, Apache, (my nickname) a person's tattoos say a lot about the person's character. You see the person's tattoos and you will know it."

My friend's tattoos was typically a mixed of all sorts including birds and Beckham's trademark left hand tattoo and some other weird stuff. Individually, the tattoo looks nice. However, as a whole, it was in a mess. Although he is always sociable joker, its undeniable that he saved my ass a few times.

This lead me thinking. Was it really true when they say never to judge a book by its cover? Or was it really just referring to books? My conclusion is that this statement is only true to a limited extent. The way we dressed up usually reflects our sub-conscious thinking and behavior. So, it is possible to judge some one by his dress code, his appearance. Instead, I think what this statement meant was that never to judge a person by his god-given appearance.

China-Tibet Crisis

Now that the Olympics are over, China is slipping into another stage of marketing themselves as a bad quality controller of milk but yet with scientific advances (going into space again).

I have been thinking all this while about this crisis actually. Since young we have all been fans of Jing Yong's (the famous author) novels; these includes famous titles like "the flying fox of snowy mountain", "the Condor Heroes", "heaven sword and dragon saber." However, if you look closely at the culture of these shows, there isn't any show that have a Lama (Lamas are monks from Tibet)and is a good guy. The ultimate evil guy in "the Condor Heroes", "Jing Lun Fa Wang" is also a Tibetan monk. Lamas (from what I seen) is perhaps the most distinctive difference you can see between a Mainland Chinese and a Tibetan.

As a matter of fact, none of the shows I have watched in my entire life shows a kind and heroic Lama. So, it is actually quite evident that the social gap between mainland Chinese and Tibetans are quite huge since some time ago.

Even shows about the revolution near the end of the Qing Dynasty like "Huang Fei Hong" etc shows nothing good about these monks.

While generating these thoughts, I was lead into thinking of another possibility of the future. I think that in the future, globalisation will be so complicated that there would probably be lesser and lesser pure blood; which probably means that my great-grandson would probably be a Chinese, Malay, Japanese and Indian mix blood. Of course, there would still be a very small percentage of pure bloods living in their own herd; but they would probably make just a small percentage of the the human kind.

Look at the Olympics, even players of European countries, not to mention Singapore consist of players not just who are the children of their soil but also Chinese who were originally China. Soon, our world would probably be a huge plate of rojak with a lot of "you tiao" but little sauce.

Are dogs really men's best friends?

I was just staring blankly into space when I started to create some thoughts on the things around me.

I started thinking, even in western context (perhaps due to my poor English standards) I really couldn't find a phrase about dogs that can be used positively. For example, "raining cats and dogs" isn't really a positive way to describe the weather. And even as we claim them to be our best friends, we wouldn't even use "as loyal as a dog" or some phrase along that line. We even call some people "bitch" , or use phrases like "stop bitching about her"; and even calling the girl that we hate a "bitch."

Chinese are actually worse off in this area. Take Chinese for example:

狗嘴吐不出象牙
a dog can never produce an elephant's tusk out of its mouth. (When used on a person) It would mean the person can never produce some thing good out from his mouth.

狗眼看人底
This means a dog looking down on humans; when the irony is that dogs are shorter than humans. In other words, a dumb person is saying that he is smarter that some one else.

狼心狗肺
Heart of a wolf and lungs of a dog. This phrase is self-explainable.

好狗不挡路
"A good dog never blocks the road" If using towards a person, it would mean asking the person to get out of your way.

The Chinese even call dog's meat "香肉" which means fragrant meat. So, the Chinese REALLY like them, just not as best friends but perhaps as a delicacy on the dining table. Yucks.

During world war 2, Germans were really creative in training our best friends as self-seeking bombs for the enemy tanks but only to realize that the dogs went for their tanks instead of the enemies. Thus, making them, our best friends, the worse weapon of the century.

In Singapore, Malays who are Muslims and are owning dogs as pets are a rare sight itself too. I don't really know why, but I assume it could be due to their culture or religion that dogs aren't really welcome as pets in their household.

From these thoughts, I am really starting to believe that we humans aren't really true to our words. It is such irony and contradictions that we have been creating that makes us ridiculous.

Moral of the story: So the next time your best friend questions asked if this is the way to treat your best friends; tell her/him ,"trust me, you don't really want to know how I treat my best friends."

learning something

One thing I learn about speaking to superiors would be a quote I taken from the book ,"The 48 laws of power."

It says ," Never be too straightforward. Go to the forest, the straight ones are being chop down, the crooked ones are still standing." You can never tell your superior ,"Sir, I think you are wrong." But you can always say ,"marvelous solution, sir, but I think this method is slightly better...."

At first glimpse, some one might like your frankness as it might be refreshing to them; perhaps no one has ever talk to them in straight forwardness. After they start to stick to you, they might find your frankness quite insulting to their intelligence. That is when they would start to abandon you or leave you.

Thus, lesson learn is speak English with the Englishmen, Chinese with the Chinese and Malay to the Malays. Not every one can take a direct shot.

My day in S**TI MI

Today there is this "commandant's water challenge" over at my camp. It was kinda fun looking at all the commanders playing water polo accompanied by songs that came from the 70s.

something cool to take note is that there was this general who was in one of the teams. Having a star on his shoulders (his rank amulet), he was literally our "star" player. He was quite good though.

Lets say your sergeant major has been adding extras for you recently; this might be a good chance to get "something" back at him. :P It turns out that all of these men are hungry for victory and have a very strong "cannot lose" attitude stuck in their head to some extent whereby integrity was some times no longer an issue.

Its true that these events are organize to create bondings and allowing the commanders and staff to relax once in a while. Being spontaneous, sporty and sociable is part of the job. However, please mind your image in front of others. LOL.

My officer was thinking ,"you mean if there's a war, we go to war under THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!" I was thinking, "yups, good luck."

All in a day's work.

自恋

Please view in IE if you guys can't read this.

今天我发了一个简讯给一位过生日的朋友:

"幸福"是猫吃鱼，狗吃肉,噢特曼打小妖怪。

"代沟"就是我问老爸觉得"菊花台"怎么样，老爸回答说没喝过。

"绝望"就是中午走食堂，点了两道菜；吃了第一个我震撼了；"世界上还有比这更难吃的?"吃了第二个，我哭了:"天啊，还真有啊!"

"自恋"是下半辈子我要投胎做女人然后爱上我这样的男人。

"无语"就是法官:你为什么印假钞?

罪犯无辜的说:因为我不会印真钞~

"诚意"是像我这样提前祝您HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!


在下对"自恋"所了解的意思是对自己的爱意以及对自己的照顾。它跟自私只在于一线之差。

在下觉得在漫长的人生中，若没那么一点自恋或自爱的话，而凡事都为别人着想，此人必定少活三十寿年。不过，若是处处都为自己争夺利益，那就是自私而非自爱。

人与财

这位是在下的表哥，William的儿子,Oscar.

古人日:"马行无力皆因瘦，人不风流只因贫。"

这是在下最近所领悟的道理。

在下虽然朋友不多，认识的人也少，不过身旁的几位大哥们都是蛮风流的。这几位大哥平时为人不错，对人不薄，偶尔也会举行"武林大会"来款待朋友;其他人格方面也不错。但好的不坏偏偏就是坏在一个"情"字。虽然说:"英雄随所见略同"，但还是"难逃美人关"。

张某认为这并没有什么不好，只是想对这几位江湖兄弟说:"别玩过头。"

希望在下的一番好意能让几位大哥稍微"收手。"

My time: end of a tunnel?

This is a picture of my cousin's (William) son, Yong Jie aka Oscar!!!!

Finally my MC is coming to an end. It will be ending this Friday, 12th September 2008. I sincerely hope that my body will recover to what it was a year ago. I realize that I have wasted 11 months of my time recovering from this rubbish illness. I ain't fully recovered yet as I am still on drugs and my body still trembles a lot.

Life have been lonely thus far, but I have been reading this book ,"the 48 laws of power." In general, this book corrupts one's mind to the extreme, leaving no space for purity or innocence. So you can probably imagine me squatting in a corner of my room coming up with ideas to manipulate humans or dominating the world.

The aftermath of reading this book is that I realized that I don't really need friends for friendship as I slowly find no use of them other then going for movies together. I feel more independent, empowered and perhaps a bit more confident to handle stuff on my own. The trade off for power and authority ultimately is still emotions. Emotions are not just a liability but also an irrational burden. 

 something less serious is that I have passed my final theory today. It makes no sense that I took 3 tries for basic theory and only once for advance theory. But then again, common sense or logic cannot be used to forecast my results. :p

I read about 2 differences between humans and animals that embeds in my mind permanently. Hunters are able to hunt and kill animals as they studied their behavior, their habits, their diet and their movements, in general, their patterns. That's what ease the hunter's job, the knowledge of the animal's patterns. Humans are the only animals that are able to shape shift their patterns. Yet many of us chose to live in the comfort of routines and standard patterns, which slowly makes this people the prey.
Humans are illogical, emotional and irrational. No one on earth is probably able to live without these traits. However, these are what makes us humans. No human being is completely rational as everyone will make human errors once in a while.

black and white

In my world, things aren't clearly divided into black and white, right or wrong, good or bad.

This is a picture I edited from a poster Ms Ong Ying Shya sent me. Its the nicest poster I have in my whole room and I seriously felt that this poster some how spur me on to live.

I read this line on the MRT on Tuesday saying ,"ability is what you are capable of doing, Motivation is how you it and attitude differs how well you do it." Kinda nice quote coming from a public transport company.

The date today is 15 august, I still have not change my mind about my determination to study overseas. I still feel that I am overly dependent on other people (although I have to say I am good at outsourcing) but I still am, lack of independency to do things in accord to my own judgement and initiatives. I am too easily influenced by my peers that I cannot make decisions on my own. damn. I still need to be thrown onto a desserted island to be forced to feel what its like to have isolation and independency.

Durian season is ending soon :(

This is a picture of my sixth aunt and me picking rambutans using a bamboo pole and some extra branches. The bamboo pole is probably left behind by some china guy who couldn't find his bamboo pole and end up chopping the tree. What an ass.

dear blog, to be honest, under my sister's recommendation. I went to seek second opinion for my condition. Guess what, the new medication cost a bomb. OMG. never mind that.

I don't really know why, but my legs and hands has been shivering and trembling quite frequently. Feels funny and weak at the same time when your hands are trembling while you are opening durians.

I hope to recover soon. I dislike the feeling of hiding at home, having to tell everyone else I am a clerk working in Safti. Its a lie, i know, ya ya~~~ but it kinda shuts everyone else up.

Wish me a speedy recovery.

FAILED MY BTT. OUCH, OMG~~~

omg, I just failed my basic theory. I have underestimated it; its a small setback. Now i have the feeling of a lion hunting for a rabbit; the lion gives its prey a full chase no matter how small or powerless it is. I will give my best shot again. :)

I am what I made myself to be.

(From left: 2nd Aunt, Yong Jie, ME, 5th Aunt)
The durian season is starting to end soon. As the season starts to end, the durians we pick would get smaller and smaller. This year, my family had a great time and experience picking durians, rambutans and jack fruits.

Currently, my health condition is stagnant. I can't lower the dosage of my medicine due to fear of relapse. I can't maintain this current dosage as fear of high blood pressure, diabetes and weaken immunity system. Doctor is gonna prescribe me a new drug that has more serious side effects.


I don't feel like getting out of the house as I get sick easily due to a bloody weak immunity system. I get nightmares daily with images of amputated hands and legs. I can't play basketball as fear of injury to the kidney. I get muscle cramps easily; I get stressed out by the urine dipstick test everyday. There are pimples growing all over me due to the bloody drug.

To make things worse, I feel kinda neglected by friends. So, I am gonna train up my isolationism and cut off all communications for this period of time.

I am gonna be stronger. I will cry alot this period of time, but I will get stronger, much more stronger. I will be more independent. I may be useless now, but I will start to think, start to observe, start to analyse and start to create wonders. I may be temperate now, but I will cool down and think again and again.

I will keep my temper to myself and flare it upon my gym equipment. I may have been lazy to analyse articles and books; but I will read them again, learn, analyse and voice out and make changes. I may have been messy; but I will re-organize myself. I will learn from my mistakes. Since the past, I have been able to hear, but not listen. I will start to listen instead of hearing. After listening, I will start to think. It may take some time before a good solution comes out from me; but I will take to effort to think. I wll take the effort to find out, discover and observe. I will never hesitate to ask again. I will get answers for questions and solution for challenges.

In conversations, I will listen more instead of speaking more. I will tell jokes if neccessary. I will keep others as the centre of the topic instead of myself. I will communicate more with others instead of just trash talking to pass time. I will learn to mind map. I will keep away from porn and other self-abusing materials that harms my mentality. I will not cut myself to stay awake again. I will not hit myself against the wall whenever I face any setbacks again.

I am what I made myself to be. No one else is to be blame for my failures except for me. I must take care of my body, my soul and my mentality.