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I used to think that my mind is weaker than the body. I was always confident that this body can endure longer than the mind. I was WRONG.

Although not many people know it yet, yea, but I am on a 15 day MC; it is expected to extend. No one knows when will I go back to ocs, no one knows whether if i can resume my course. Worst, no one knows what the hell is wrong with my body.

this body is dying faster than what i have anticipated.

but dont get the wrong idea, i am still alive.

the first time in my life, i sleep with fear throughout each night. each night, my heart aches as though it is gonna stop working. I walk on the streets as though I am an old man, panting with every step. My body bloats up and swells as and when it likes. I can't run, move, jump around as I used to. I dread everyday of this ordeal.

To make things worse, I feel utmostly unfilial that my mom still has to worry for me everyday. It feels horrible to carry this sense of guilt around. Thank god everything is currently under the expense of the government; or else I would have become a vegetarian and live in seclusion for the rest of my life.

somebody, save me.

thanks

I didn't know I am that emotional until I am in NS and I saw Hui Ping's comment for me. I cried that night after reading it. Somehow the recognition was there when I need it; didn't really care or acknowledged my own presence until that moment. I just want to leave this comment behind before I enter ocs as a form of resolution.

coz i am that good.

lOOking back

Felt that I have walked a long way for these past 19 odd years(wondered how my parents make it so far). Looking back, I made a lot of mistakes, created a lot of havoc and destroyed a lot of things.

I lost my self-love, dignity and self-esteem in my secondary school days and gained brotherhood and friendship. I gained self-love and dignity when I was in NYP students union and have gained more friends, but I neglected my self-worth.

I learn what is self-esteem and self-respect when I passed out from Bronco platoon 4. I learned valuable lessons here and for the first time in my entire life I felt recognized as an individual.

It is good to look back at your past, laugh and smile about it, but not living in it. I have been some what living in the past for sometime; the past is something not worth looking back and to be reminded of constantly. I am now determined to walk out from these rubbish and surpassed my sisters and gained recognition as a character.

Many Thanks to my family who make an effort to go to Tekong to waste some government fund there and see me P.O.P.; especially my dad who ran away from work to see me. My sisters who claimed leave and my mom who managed to restrain my dad from creating trouble.

Happy Birthday to Sister!!!

Da jie, Happy Birthday wor!!! Although your qiong di di haven't bought you the gift yet doesn't mean he has not thought of anything yet. hahaz. By the way, people, this is a picture of my elder sister and me at NUS for her graduation photo taking sessions.

My jie jie is an amazing freak with god-like achievements. It scares most guys away with her achievements, that's why her boyfriend is also another freak. Anyway, they are both weird (thats why they chose each other *joking*).

Happy Mothers' day

I love my mom.

She may complain about taking care of us all the time, but she never once stopped worrying about us.

She may not be highly educated, but she's the most knowledgeable person in handling disputes.

She may be unreasonable at times, but she is a simple person.

She may appear to be sarcastic at times, but she is the kindest person I have met.

She may gossip at times, but this is her way of knowing how her friends are faring.

She isn't demanding but she knows what is good for us.

She is the centre of communication among her other 9 siblings, the treasurer for the whole family and main-organizer for initiating events.

At a very young age of 8, I had this high fever of 40 plus degrees. My mom have to stay by me through the whole night just to ensure that I don't sleep walk. This resulted her to become a light-sleeper and over-sensitive to any noise caused in the surroundings at night.

At age 10, during the primary school overnight camp, I was having difficulty breathing in the night at the camp. Thus, my prinicpal sent me home at 3am. My mom have to wake up to look after me.

At age 17, my grandma was on her deathbed and was immobile at Tan Tock Seng Hospital. My mom had to stayed up for 42 hours or more to look after her and at the same time taking care of my sisters and me.

At age 18, I experience acute pain in my chest area and was sent for A&E at Tan Tock Seng at 11pm. My mom and dad freak out when they receieved this news. I think my mom was quite tired when I told her I needed to go to the hospital, but she insists on coming along. Thank god it was a flase alarm.

Never did she complain once about these events.

*Salute*

helpless

It just so happans to be another tiring day after returning from my chalet with my classmates. Upon returning home, I received news that a Malaysian cousin had pass away due to some heart malfunctioning. Personally, I have no impression of who this cousin is, so I don't really feel much about it. What really matters to me is how taxing would it be on my family.

Family current status:

My Dad --> hardworking and dutiful man. Most probably he would be rushing to Malaysia to attend the funeral tomorrow.

My Mom --> A kind lady who would never reject to help anyone that deserves her aid. Currently coordinating everyone at her brother's wedding (my youngest uncle) and tending to my eldest aunt's complains.

My elder sister --> A great sister. Currently the main coordinator and MC for my uncle's wedding. She's going berserk soon due to my cousins and work.

My younger sister --> Attending school till late each day. Have not seen her for the past few days due to different timing of returning home.

Me --> Unable to help anything other than doing odd jobs. Feeling helpless and useless.

I can do nothing and at the same time I can't cry or do anything else. All I could do is only stand helplessly trying my best to fill in whatever gaps my family or others could not fill in. I can't go to the funeral because if I were to go, I can't help out at the wedding (which is more taxing). However, My dad would be going alone to Malaysia (isn't it abit sad?).

Dreams: A reflection of Reality or an Omen?

It has been some time since I update this blog. I utilized my days completely by doing everything and anything. Thus, it wasn't long before this body fell ill. I feel tired everyday, but I enjoyed utilizing my time as this really made me feel usuable. I had always wanted to sleep more, but I felt that there's a need for me to care more and be more accounted for towards my responsibilities.

My dad told me before, we spent one-third of our life sleeping, its better to utilized this time than sleeping. However, that is also the reason why people who are about to die tends to sleep lesser.

I had this dream recently; it was very scary but it is also very realistic. This dream came in many versions over several times. The scenario goes like this: I was walking down the stairs, when suddenly I missed a step and I felt my leg was being pulled. I woke up immediately and my leg was in a position being pulled.

Another scenario I could remember vividly was that I was playing basketball. Just when I happened to be taking a jump shot, my leg was pulled down. I woke up immediately and realized this was yet another dream.

To me, it was kind of freaky however, I felt that it was the recent lack of exercise that made my body works abnormally and happens to shiver or vibrate as and when it likes. In addition, I feel strains and tears along my shoulders and back. A lousy ankle that feels like sprain but isn't sprain.

Whatever it may be, I hope to completely utilize my everyday to the fullest. As I was recently taught, "Instead of finding excuses to avoid responsibility first, just give it your best shot to fulfill your responsibility. Only when you fail, you start looking for excuses."