It has been a kinda short year for me as I was resting for around 10 months or so. Its been quite a challenge whenever I meet my batch boys be it officers or BMT platoon mates. Deep down in me, there has always been this sense of jealousy and envy towards them as they are able to make it through OCS whereas I am still marching on the spot. Many of them couldn't recognized me on first glance; I am sure that my looks didn't really change that much or perhaps I am not longer the proud and courageous damien guy any more.
Even among my poly friends, I felt that I have not improved or matured into someone I expect myself to. Not just me, even my officer and friends have expect something more out of me. I have been wasting time (10&1/2 months to be exact)whereas everyone else is evolving. I really feel like a caterpillar who has turn into a cocoon and stayed there. I have been trying to overcome this mindset of mine and reassuring myself not to worry and I would excel some day. However, this only gave me greater pain because I have yet to achieve what I have set out to achieve.
I don't need any sympathy but all these years, I have never achieve anything that is worth calling an achievement. Being 21 years of age and accomplishing as good as nothing isn't really worth any celebration. It is important for me to achieve something by my birthday each year so that I can tell myself that I am not a living corpse and have done something decent to match my name.
However all is not lost. I have tried many ways to throw away my obsolete pride and arrogance; but throughout the process, I realized the more I want to dispose it, the more I actually resist it. Thus, it is better to let it slowly decompose itself then to destroy it. Pride is something really temporary for a business student; it obstructs the way of learning and acceptance. I hope to be a humble and hardworking wenhan by the end of my NS.
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